It’s late afternoon in late July. It’s hot, but not unbearably so like it was last week when my partner and I discovered the cats had turned on the heater (we live in California, it’s not unusual for it to get so disgustingly hot it renders any a/c almost pointless). My partner is watching a movie in the living room. I’m sat in the bedroom listening to music via headphones that I’m not actually wearing and staring at my iPad screed. One cat is hiding under the bed, and the other has tucked herself between my sweaters in my closet. I start work at my new-old job on Thursday, so I’ve got maybe a day and a half left of freedom.
I should probably turn the volume down if I can hear my music clearly without wearing my headphones.
I’ve been seeing a lot of content about autumn, and while I can absolutely understand folks’ mindset and desire for cooler weather and the best holiday ever, I can’t help feeling like summer is getting the short end of the stick.
Summer is probably the worst season. It’s hot, disgusting, and, depending where you live, prone to natural disasters like wildfires. The days are gloriously long, but when it’s triple digits out there’s no desire or inclination to really do anything so the days feel wasted. All kinds of bugs come and hang out and terrorize you, energy bills increase because you run any kind of cooling device you can get your hands on, and if you’ve got kids you have to deal with them all summer long. Or, well, regarding that last point I only assume that’s what it can be like, having no kids of my own and only drawing on people sharing their experiences on other social media lamenting finding activities for their kids to do while on break from school.
But I digress.
I’ve spent a lot of time rebuilding my relationship with summer, and seeing everyone dismiss it in favor of autumn (which, again, I totally get) has been really upsetting this year.
Summer, for the longest time, was the season I hated the most. A season of endings, isolation, and misery bookended by drives through the sun-dried golden grass framing California’s highways. Maybe that’s why it’s called the golden state.
Long story short: my parents divorced when I was a kid and I spent over half my life being shuttled between the two at the start and end of every summer as per the custody agreement. Given the situation, I wasn’t able to spend any summers with my friends until adulthood, and it wasn’t quite the same because we were all either working or looking for jobs. I never really got the “aimless, endless, friend-filled, adventurous summer days of youth” you see depicted in movies and stuff, so I hated summer. This season is also simultaneously touted as being both "lazy" and "hectic", between long, languid days and people scrambling to take advantage of vacation time, and I don't think that's helping with people's dislike. Even I'm busy in the wake of my impending employment. This summer I moved house, quit my old job and searched feverishly for a new one, dealt with a problem with my old bank, worked on my webcomic, and even put together a few YouTube videos. And that's not counting all the visits and outings with friends and family now that we've moved back and get-togethers don't entail a four hour round trip in the car. It can get so hectic and I think people long for shorter days and cooler weather so they can justify not doing anything.
It wasn’t until recently, actually, that I began to really enjoy summer.
Seasonal depression definitely had a hand in that, my energy seems to fade as the days grow shorter and colder, but I think a lot of it comes from simply growing and changing as a person and having time finally separate me from the loathsome summers of my adolescence.
As an adult, I had money and freedom that I could've only dreamed of as a kid. Well, within reason, anyway. The whole "gotta work to pay the bills" thing takes priority but that's not the point I'm trying to make.
Being able to do what I like whenever I like without being inherently bound to someone else's schedule or finances was life-changing. I could go to the movies alone, take myself out to eat, do this and that whenever I pleased so long as I had money for it. Compared to a rather regimental childhood of not being allowed to do much of anything without a family member tagging along, I felt free as a bird.
Summer started to mean beginnings.
Especially so three years ago, when my partner and I moved to the Bay Area.
That was... not the best though. We struggled a lot almost the whole time, either financially or mentally or --worse-- both, we lived with people we didn't necessarily like or get along with, it was just... not what we expected.
Granted, my expectation of "living in the Bay Area" was still very much built upon my shattered dream of going to art school in San Francisco. As you can imagine, that had set some pretty high expectations, maybe moreso because I never got to go to art school in SF so I fantasized about it a lot, that were absolutely not met when we moved. Rather than a glamorous Victorian house or kitsch apartment somewhere in the city, we lived in a crummy development in the middle of a kinda crummy part of Pittsburg. Rather than cool, creative people who wanted to hang out and be friends, we lived with loud gamers and their puppy who spend 98% of their time in their rooms.
I could list all my unreasonable expectations and standards for ages, so I'll curb things there.
My point is, that's over and we're getting a fresh start this summer. Our lease in the Bay has ended, my partner and I moved into a tiny apartment in our hometown (that we don't share with other people!), we're both about to start working again, and life is finally moving forward. It's like waking up from a three year long nightmare now that summer is here again.
People are always banging on about autumn and Halloween this time of year, and while I'm excited for them too I'm so, so grateful for summer. Without summer and it's insufferable heat and busyness, I don't think people would turn to cool, crisp, chill autumn with nearly the same amount of love and adoration.
Without summer to usher us into the darker half of the year, would we look forward to it as much? Rather than rush through summertime, I want to relish it while I can. I'll be all the more grateful for autumn for it.
